3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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