My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
