My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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