On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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