So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
