smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
