Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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