Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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