what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
