Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
