i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
