Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
