youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
