You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
