Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
