I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
