I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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