Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
