I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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