i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
FUCK WHALES
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
