I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
