so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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