shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
