i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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