I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So much rum. So many feels.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
