If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize