non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It's official drugs can't kill me
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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