Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
