you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize