Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Too much gin, very little bucket
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
