Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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