literally had 100 drinks last night.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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