made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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