God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
