Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
