I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
