I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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