I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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