we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
