I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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