just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
