Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
