so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
