I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
