The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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