he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
