I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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