They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
