Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
