You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
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