If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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