When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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