i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
