So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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