My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
