my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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