Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
